Yep, it's the big half a decade anniversary today. Me and my partner have (somehow?) been together for five years as of today. So, instead of doing a super outdated post on some LUSH picks that aren't even festive, I thought I'd reflect on what I've learnt from being in a long term relationship.
Expectations are a weird one, aren't they? We're all expected to be normal, to be healthy, to cope with anything, to be social, to be pretty, and a whole host of other things I can't even remember right now. But what if that's all made up? What if no one feels like they have all of these things? What if we're all striving to meet these #goals that don't exist in real life? That is what I think is the case.
This is something that has been bugging me for a few months now, and I really wanted to sit and think about it all before I wrote this (you should probably prepare a cuppa - this is going to be a long one). I don't know if it's mostly a British thing, stemming from the ol' fascination with that stiff upper lip, but we seem to live in a climate in which it's frowned upon to say no, or to even admit that you're not comfortable with something. And I'm not even talking about an ancient idea of being frowned upon, i.e. you won't get invited to that next ball to meet the man of your dreams (I really need to stop reading 18th Century fiction), but a tangible one in which saying something 'is not okay' can have serious repercussions on your life.
This post is kind of a call for things to change. For an environment to be created in which you don't have to put up and shut up, or face the consequences. An environment in which your voice matters, and you have the power to truly decide what you want. I'm asking all of you, and I'll be trying to do it myself, to actually stand up for yourself, and tell people when something is simply not alright, rather than glossing over it.
You may be thinking already: you're being so vague Steph, what the fuck are you actually talking about? Well, I'm going to be splitting this into four categories: work, sex, relationships and mental health.
Work
Work is something that I've always been terrified to say no to. I work in the customer service industry, so frequently get asked to come in to cover someone when they're sick. Now, even if I've already had plans to do something on my day off, or really need a rest from work I find it really hard to say no. And why? Because from a young age I've always been taught to make myself useful to employers. So the idea of saying no to me would involve the manager or supervisor on duty being upset with me, perhaps my shifts would drop, or perhaps even if they were looking to get rid of someone, all those times I hadn't come in would rack up against me.
The same goes for extending shifts, or being asked to perform extra duties without a pay rise. Ultimately it's not okay. You are under no obligation to come in on your days off, you are under no obligation to add to your already long list of work duties, and it's perfectly fine to say no.
A similar thing goes for being asked to do something you're uncomfortable with. In a previous job that I worked in a bar I needed to tell an aggressive middle aged man that I wouldn't serve him anymore alcohol because he was far too drunk (it was 3pm, I have no idea what he was doing). I was absolutely petrified. I went to my manager, asked what I should do, and he told me to simply tell him I wouldn't serve him, and was I okay with that? It took all the guts I had to tell my manager that no, I wasn't, I felt unsafe and nervous because it was my first time turning someone down for drinking. This actually worked out beautifully: my manager offered to come and help me, and provide back up if it was needed. It really taught me that it was okay to say I wasn't okay with the task at hand, and now I let people know all the time, and ask them for help.
Sex
This is a bit of a big'un. And before I start I'm going to give you all a trigger warning for rape. We've got this very strange culture at the moment, in which speaking out about rape is shunned. And this is not okay. If you've not been following the Ched Evans story in the news recently, then you may have missed all of the online bullying that has occurred as a result of it. Ched Evans' defence team paid a woman's previous sexual partner/s a massive sum to come into court and testify to all of the sexual kinks she had. This was in order to overturn the ruling that came a few months ago that he was guilty of raping her. Partly due to these witnesses, the ruling has now been overturned.
As a result of all of this, the media has been awash with victim blaming recently. Hundreds, or even thousands of vile tweets have been sent out about the woman in question. And even more worrying is that those who have stood in defense of her have been attacked by twitter users supporting Evans.
In this climate, in which we're bombarded with massive stories like this, is it any wonder that the majority of rape victims don't speak out? And in a world in which far too often the victim is asked whether she had been drinking, what clothes she had been wearing, and whether she was sexually active amongst other questions by police handling these investigations. This is something that is 100% not okay. And if you have ever been one of these individuals, mistreated by the justice system or the media, what they did to you was not okay, and there should be no shame in admitting that.
On a similar note, rape, or sexual assault is not always violent and not always committed by strangers. Even in a long term relationship, if someone forces themselves upon you after you have said no to sex that is still rape. And even if they apologise afterwards, or even just make excuses you are under no obligation whatsoever to make them feel better. Let them cry, let them plead with you, but don't ever be convinced into thinking that what happened is okay. Even if you tell family, friends, teachers, anyone and they pass it off as being fine, remember that it is not, and you have the right to feel upset and angry at what has happened.
Relationships
I'm not just talking boyfriend/girlfriend shizz here, I'm talking everything. If a friend is being a bit of a dick, making jokes you're uncomfortable with or talking about you behind your back, then you have the right to tell them you're not happy. Hiding how you feel, and letting people use and abuse you (which I did with friends for far too long) will just end up with them getting away with worse and worse things, and with you just ending up miserable.
Family is another big one here. Yes, there are supposed to be bonds of love between you and all of your family, but what if they have been fractured or broken? What if they've hurt you in a way in which you could never bear to do to them? It's okay to be hurt, and you do not have to forgive them. Family is a bit of a weird one: unlike with friends, if you cut one of them out, it is likely to have an impact on your relationship with the rest of them. This is one I find very very hard to deal with. Saying that something is not okay is very hard to do to a family member, as they can easily become upset, and nobody really wants that. But, unless you tell them, whatever is on your mind is going to stay there, and what you're unhappy with is going to continue to happen.
Mental Health
This is a massive one. There is such a stigma around mental health, and it actually makes things quite hard to talk about. If you tell your boss or friends or family that you're stuck in bed with the flu you'll get some sympathy and tips on what to do. But, if you tell them you're stuck in bed because your mental health state is terrible, you'll get a lot off disbelieving glances and the advice will probably come along the lines of 'suck it up and get out of bed'. They are both illnesses, and ones that can be very serious. And in both cases you should be able turn around and say 'I am not okay' and find a friendly ear. If there are no friendly ears then you need to switch out your listeners.
Saying that something is not okay to do with my mental health was a very hard thing for me to do, and I had to go on a massive learning curve in order to come to the place I am today. One example of how inconsiderate people are is something that still scars me to this very day. When I first started university, my self harming was very bad, and only a handful of people I trusted knew about it.
One day I walked into the kitchen, having forgotten to cover myself up, and one of the international students seized me and held me up for the other eight or so students in the kitchen. He got up in my face asking 'what the fuck was this, and what the fuck had my boyfriend done to me?' I can't remember the rest of what was said, I just know that I backed into a corner, with a little rabbit in the headlights expression and didn't respond. Thankfully my friends came to the rescue, ripping him away from me and telling him how not okay that was. Yet, after it happened I was nice to him, I pretended everything was okay, and for over a year I considered it my fault for having gone into the room without covering up. it was only much later that I realised I should have said something: I should have made him realise how not okay it was, I should never have blamed myself for what happened.
This is just one example of an incident in which my mental health was brought up, and I was judged for it, and I accepted it. So many people are doing the exact same thing right now, and I want all of you to know that you should not accept this. You have the right to stand up and make them realise they're the one with the problem for acting like an asshole, not you. Just like any other illness, mental health is a part of you, but it is not you, and it does not mean you should put up with shit from other people any more than anyone else does.
All in all, it is perfectly okay to say it's not okay in any situation. Let your voice be heard and fight for the right you have to respect yourself and your situation.
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Every so often I take a little break from the usual beauty, lifestyle, food and travel ramblings on here to talk about something that is really getting my goat up, or upsetting me. I did it with my post on loss, and my one on not being a part of 'the blogging community'; I'm doing it again now. Pretty Little Liars, or PLL to us 'hardcore fans' is one of my favourite shows. I'm a bit of a sucker for teen dramas, and there's nothing better in my mind than a little catch up on One Tree Hill or Gossip Girl. I'm not even sorry, it's my absolute guilty pleasure. But, there's one thing that really sets these two apart from PLL in my mind, and it's the use of adult-child relationships.
This can be a bit of a touchy subject with some people, especially teens, as a 16-17 year old is sometimes considered to be an adult, but as much as I thought I was an adult back at that age, do I think it now? No. I definitely think you have the right to make your own decisions at this age, but there is still the opportunity for manipulation. Also, we're going right back to the age of 14, which is a little different. PLL's constant use and discussion of adult-child sexual relationships is honestly quite troubling. And the worst part? It's totally normalised. I'm going to break it down here into different relationships, to see just how frequently it occurs: something I hadn't even noticed until I read a news article on it recently. This is the most concerning aspect for me - that most of these relationships had gone totally over my head, awash with the idea that they are normal.
Aria and Ezra
This is the most obvious one, and the one that most of you guys probably thought about as soon as I mentioned the content of this post. Aria and Ezra meet when she is 15 (about to start Sophomore year) and he is 23. An eight year gap is totally fine as an adult, but in my opinion at least is a little concerning when the girl in question is underage.
From the offset this unlikely relationship is normalised. 15 year old baby-faced Aria is drinking in a bar when she first meets Ezra and loses her big V to him. In the back of a bar. For starters, in a place in which 21 is the legal drinking age, the entire setting seems a little unlikely, but as no questions are raised about it, it seems to lull us watchers into a false sense of security: we are used to 21 year olds drinking and hooking up in bars - Aria therefore seems to be that age. Indeed, for a 15 year old she is incredibly mature, and I'm not sure that shy, bookish Aria would be up for acting in the way she did that night, but maybe it's just me projecting.
Then we discover that Ezra is in fact her teacher, and he discovers that (whoops) she's underage. And she's totally in his class. Awkward. Rather than aligning himself to his duty of care however, he continues to pursue the relationship despite feeling 'guilty' about it. I know that some people will say that Aria was totally to blame here, but really, if a hot older guy told 15-year-old you he loved you then would you really turn that down? 15 year old me wouldn't have.
Now, what I find most disturbing about the continuation of their relationship is that for starters no one seems to notice or has a problem with it. High school for me may have ended four years ago, but if a girl was hanging around in the classroom of a hot young new male teacher then there would definitely have been rumours, if not actual complaints. But none of this happens. Then we have the fact that they're sleeping together with no real complications. This just simply doesn't happen. Ezra would have known how damaging a pregnancy would have been to the both of them, and surely would have taken precautions to ensure that it never happened, right? Instead of discussing these problems, we are faced with an idyllic coupling of the pair, in which the only problem is that her parents might find out. The fact that the show never questions the complications in this relationship inhibits our potential to do so too. Had there been a pregnancy scare, or a discussion of contraception then maybe, just maybe, we would be forced to think that actually this relationship isn't #goals. It's actually just a little manipulative.
Don't agree with me that there's a problem with it? It's just love and oh well, he met her before he knew she was 15 so does it really matter anyway, it's just real love? What about when we find out about his book? If you haven't watched the later series, then there's a serious spoiler alert for you now. After convincing us that it was okay, it's true love, age is just a number, etc., we find out that actually Ezra knew all along exactly how old Aria was and who she was before they met. Now if that does't scream 'creep' to you, then what will?! Ezra pursued Aria in order to write a book and make himself money. This is the ultimate form of manipulation, and was actually the first time I ever really felt truly dodgy about there relationship. Is it not a little predatory to pursue a 15 year old girl, fuck her, date her, impact her entire life, just to make yourself a bit of cash dollar?
Yet, even when this comes to light not one of the PLL gang actually turns around and says do you know what, that's really fucking creepy, what a perv. Instead the adult/child relationship isn't mentioned. And then Ezra is all 'oh soz I fell in love eventually but still stalked you, gained your trust and wrote the book anyway' and all is forgiven? Okay then. In the whole discussion over several episodes it is never once mentioned that actually, he was breaking the law by being with Aria, and he was manipulating a young girl's emotions for his own gain.
Spencer and Ian / Spencer and Wren
These two are really relationships that get swept under the rug in a wash of normality. In Season 1 we witness Spencer and her older sister's then husband macking on when she would have been a ripe 14. Again, although Ian is judged for this, it is because he cheated on Melissa, Spencer's sister, not because he cheated on her with an underage child that the judgement occurs. Then, the same is repeated with 16 year old Spencer and Melissa's new beau Wren. Wren is a bit of a charmer, and all round 'nice guy': we see Melissa being a bit of a bitch to him, so can you blame him for hitting on her child sister? Yes, you can, but we're encouraged not to. Instead, their first encounter is portrayed as an 'accident', when he decides to give bikini-clad Spencer a massage because her muscles are sore. What a nice friendly doctor man. How could either of them have guessed that that might be a little sensual? Spencer puts her trust in him, and this, combined with Melissa's hostile nature makes us want to see the pair get together, and we are not disappointed.
What is perhaps worst about these two incidents, is that rather than being portrayed as the victim of an older male's manipulative behaviour, Spencer is condemned as a 'slag'. By her own family. We see not only Melissa, but the girls' mother force the brunt of the blame onto 16 year old Spencer, and is the fact that the two men were actual total creeps who hit on a child mentioned? Of course not. Once again this issue is totally ignored by the show.
Alison and Ian
Alison was only 14 when she 'died', and we all find out that her and Ian were in a relationship before then. He was her 'secret' beau that she told none of the other girls about, and he was with her on the night she died. So, Ian is a serial predator. But, even when Ian is totally condemned by the characters, is it ever for that? Is he ever mentioned for what he really was: legally a rapist of underage children? No, they condemn him because they suspect that he had something to do with Ali's disappearance, and even the police overlook the illicit relationship. When they can't book him for murder, they don't book him for anything, or even look into his activities with this young girl. Indeed, the fact that he cheated on Melissa with Ali is mentioned as being totally immoral over the fact that it was with a fourteen year old. Ian by this point had completed a degree, so we know that for sure he is 21 at the youngest. Does it really then come as a surprise that he'd been filming the five of them undressing? Again something the police never found or cared about.
Thoughts
Until I really started looking into and thinking about this, so much of it had gone totally over my head. What kind of a message is PLL sending out to us, in which the law, society and even us as an audience don't care about, or even notice the fact that these relationships are going on? I absolutely love the show, but this honestly really concerns me. Should we just accept that murder is bigger than ongoing child abuse and the latter should be ignored? Or consider that it is an important topic that needs to be discussed?
What do you think?
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