This is a conundrum that I've struggled with for years. I've gone through periods of spending all my energy trying to help others with similar issues to what I've struggled with, and then periods of avoiding the same situation with a barge pole. Ultimately, I've finally come to the realisation that either is totally okay, as long as it is what you want to do, and it doesn't impact your own mental health.
In my first year of university I was at the lowest point in my life. Add into that equation starting to drink alcohol for the first time, living with people I'd never met before, who knew nothing about my past, and having to balance academic work on top of things, and things weren't looking good. It was tough, but I had a best friend who looked after me through everything that was changing. The problem was, I wasn't looking after her too. We both suffered with incredibly similar mental health problems, but lived far away from each other; contact was almost always through social media or our phones in some way.
My poor mental health took over, and if I'm completely honest, it made me a selfish bitch. I stopped replying to some messages from this girl who was just trying to look after me because I wanted to go out drinking, and find solace flirting on the dancefloor after a lot of drinks. If anyone knows me, they'll know that that's not really 'me'. I'm someone who's much happier curled up with a book in a snuggly nest of blankets. My mental illness had taken over, and suddenly I didn't really know who I was anymore.
One day, I was truly struggling, and she wasn't at the other end of the phone for me. It was a position I'd put her in time and time again, but she'd never done it to me. I was angry and upset and confused and took it all out on her. It was wrong, and it ultimately cost me the best friendship I've ever made, and the ensuing fights had me crying for months. For years afterwards I'd dream (as in in my sleep at night) that we'd get back in contact with each other, and things would get back to how they used to be. Obviously that never happened.
What I should have realised at the time, and what I failed to realise, is that we were both suffering, and it shouldn't have been an expectation to be hand-held every day. Our mental health problems didn't mean we were responsible for each other. And that's what I didn't get. I thought she'd let me down, but she never really did.
For eons after that, I rarely spoke up about my mental illness, and didn't, or even couldn't become close friends with someone who had suffered with similar problems as me. I was trying to recover from self-harm, and it took so much mental energy that I didn't have any leftover to spare for anyone else. Anyone who got in contact with me online was honestly left with a message saying that I couldn't help them. It was harsh, but it was true. I'd put myself first in order to recover, and I wasn't going to jeapordise that for the sake of a stranger, or even someone I knew.
What I'm trying to say here, is that if you're going through a similar period you are under no obligation whatsoever to help others. It's not your job to help people because you've suffered with the same mental illness, and it should not be expected of you. There are trained professionals that are there to help people (you can always talk to the Samaritans) and it's okay to say no. It's not something to feel guilty about, or agonise over (I know I have).
If you want to help people, or talk about your experiences then that's great as well. You should feel as though you can cover the topic, especially if you blog. It's cathartic, and can often be much more helpful for you too to let it all out.
All in all, what I'm trying to say is you do you. Having a mental illness does not mean you have to be a therapist to the internet.
Follow me on Bloglovin | Twitter | Instagram | Youtube | Facebook
I really wasn't sure what to title this, and I'm really still not sure what I'm going to say. I had 90% of another post written for you guys, with pictures set up for it and edited. Then I found out a teacher from my secondary school had passed away and I found that I just couldn't continue with the post I had planned. I left school 4 years ago, so it begs the question: why the fuck would you really be that sad or that affected by the death of a man you haven't seen or spoken to in four years? And who you only saw during a few lessons a week? Well, let me enlighten you.
This man taught me for SEVEN YEARS. Imagine putting up with me for that long, right? He was the head of Latin in our school, a language that many people consider pointless, a thing of the past, or something for stuffy boarding school boys to learn probably whilst they doff their caps to the servants. Yet, this man brought such charisma to the subject that reams of people opted to take the language to GCSE over French, German, Spanish and even Japanese. He was possibly the largest man I've ever met (and I don't say that to be rude - he was tall and round and owned it, strutting around in his braces and sockless sandals).
He inspired such a love for the subject within me that I pursued it all the way up to my A-Levels, and even initially applied to do a combi course of English and Latin at University. I can safely say this man was the most intelligent person I ever met, before, during or after university. Not only did he know every little intricacy about the language he taught, but also the culture, and pretty much everything about any other topic you could ask him. He even had a copy of Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone in Latin and Ancient Greek to peruse when he fancied, and even let us borrow it. So, how could you not like him?
His intellectual influence upon me didn't end there either. I learnt more from his lessons about English grammar and structure than I ever did from my actual English lessons. He first taught me that quality is far more important than quantity, and regularly informed me to 'stop with the waffly bullshit and just write'; a phrase that stuck in my mind every single time I wrote an undergraduate essay, had to construct a cover letter, and even (sometimes) when I write these posts for you guys. So, sorry Mr B for the state of this post, but you've made me more than a little teary and the bullshit had to come back out.
Had his influence upon me ended there, then I would probably not be writing this post right now, but, like every good teacher, he had an emotional impact upon my journey through life as well. Hardly any of you will know this, but year 13 (when I was 17/18) was the start of the hardest few years of my life. Although I had suffered with doing it in the past, it was truly the time when my self harm started to get bad. At school he possibly had the biggest positive impact upon this, endlessly offering his classroom as a safe space, but one in which he would dole out the tough love (something I always need). My granddad died in the December (a man who I saw every day, and still think about most days), I was under masses of pressure from school, and I was simply unhappy in my home life. I remember coming in soon after my granddad had died and explaining to Mr B what had happened whilst I cried and he listened. From the beginning of year 12 onwards, when my class consisted of only 5 of us - who really wants to do a Latin A-Level?! - I remember this lovable, terrifying giant being the agony aunt of the group. He listened to our problems, didn't query them and offered realistic advice.
He also taught me so many life lessons. Coming from a Catholic school, he was the first person that taught me that people shouldn't have labels. One of the boys in the class asked if the poet we were reading (who was talking about anal sex) was gay. He was greeted with the question: why should we label it? He might like to fuck boys, or like to fuck girls, or like to fuck both. Does that mean we should give him a title that separates him from other poets? Why do we have this modern need to categorise everyone, and in this way, separate them from one another? This has seriously kept me thinking for years, and I'm so glad it has.
Perhaps my most touching memory of Mr B was just after his mother died. It happened on a weekend, and during our Monday morning class he announced what had happened, and asked if we could take the lesson easily as he was very much affected by it. Our 'little family' as it almost became during these two years in the classroom obviously agreed. So, we went on to discuss the stockings she made up for him at Christmas (containing one large gold coin and an orange), and how he was inheriting her dog. For the next few weeks he came in with pictures of little Max the dog, who was helping him to get through this troubling time. It was common for us to do hard work for the first half of a lesson and relax for the second half - doing such strenuous work for an hour would have gotten us nowhere. In one of the first lessons after the death of his mother, I remember him putting on some opera in one of these second halves, and weeping as it reminded him of his mother so much. That is an image that will never leave me.
Mr B was a man you could always come to to learn something: whether it was about modern politics, facts about ancient prostitutes, or simply the advantages of wearing sandals all year round, you were sure to come away better off.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, goodbye Mr B, you will be sorely missed, and I feel sorry for all those individuals out there who never got a chance to experience your presence in their lives.
Over the past couple of months, I've been making a couple of changes here at Nourish ME. I've really been attempting to up my blogging game, and create more varied and generally better posts for you guys. Although getting your own domain seems like a fairly menial change, much like creating your own blogger media kit, it can really make a difference if you want to start monetizing your blog.
Why do I need my own domain name?
When PRs and brands consider bloggers for collaborative posts, they will often request a certain DA (or domain authority) score. If you still have a blogspot.com or wordpress.org site, or something along those lines, then you don't actually have a DA. Telling them this can come across as unprofessional, and they are likely to therefore look for a blogger who has organised their own domain name. Having said this, I have successfully completed collaborations with brands from my blogspot address, so it by no means totally rules you out.
It's also a chance for you to rejig your blog name a little if you wish. My old URL was http://nourishmeclean.blogspot.com because initially my blog was all about clean eating. However, in the past year(!) or so of blogging that's become really irrelevant. So, when I switched to my own domain it became www.nourishmeblog.co.uk.
How can I get my own domain name?
I'm not going to lie, when I first started looking into this I was totally stumped. I didn't know how I was going to set one up - would it involve a lot of tricky coding? Or mess up my Google analytics? Would my old address come up as a 404 and lose me tonnes of pageviews? Don't worry, it was a lot easier than I had imagined, and none of these things *touch wood* has happened in the past month or two that I have had my own domain name. Note: what I'm about to tell you only applies to blogger sites (I really have no idea how I would do it on Wordpress, but I imagine it's not too much more difficult).
You will have to buy your own domain name, but there are a whole variety of websites with different prices and packages that you can do this from. I opted to go with Go Daddy because they had an offer on, which gave me a year's worth of my domain name for 99p. On top of the straight up yearly or monthly cost, you can also opt to buy protection. I did this as well and ultimately I think it came to around £8 for the year altogether. You will have to renew it each year, so be warned: buying it does not mean you own your domain forever.
Here's where we get a bit technical. Once you've bought your domain and are happy with the name, it's time to actually get it connected to your blog. I was going to attempt to write you guys a step-by-step instruction for this but honestly I don't want to have written something wrong that could potentially destroy your blog! Instead, here is a link to Blogger's own really detailed explanation of exactly how to set your domain name up correctly and with ease. It probably took me about an hour in total - you do have to leave it for 24 hours and then come back to make sure everything is set up correctly.
Once you've got your new, sparkling domain name all set up and connected to your blog, you then need to let people know about it! I updated my Instagram, Twitter, Facebook page, Pinterest, Youtube and Bloglovin to show the new URL. However, if people click on your old URL, as long as you've set everything up correctly, it will direct to your new domain anyway!
I really hope this was helpful!
Follow me on Bloglovin | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | Youtube
