Am I Falling Out of Love With Blogging?

 

I'm a quitter. I have been all my life. There was the month in which I learned guitar, my dabbling in Ancient Greek (what a cool kid), those few months in which I was obsessed with the idea of doing gymnastics and about ten thousand other hobbies that I took up and dropped with a few days, weeks or months. But for some reason, blogging has stuck with me. It's the only hobby that I've kept up and continued for over a year because I bloody love it. Or did, I'm not so sure anymore.
I've been avoiding writing this post for a few weeks because writing it down kinda meant admitting it (does anyone else get this?), but I like to be open on here, and hiding away from how I feel is just going to make my content distanced and impersonal.
In the past few days I've actually begun to feel like I'm getting my mojo back a little bit, but this month has been full of ups and downs in my blogging experience. I seem to have gotten a zillion emails offering cool brand collaborations, only for them to include follow links, no payment, and sometimes even no product. Some were really random, filled with things you guys would never be interested in, or the usual obscure infographics. I even got offered a box of fucking teabags in exchange for an entire blog post and SM posts, because the PR company had 'no budget' for their campaign. I've heard the words 'no budget' so many times this month that it seems unreal. And the worst part? As much as I tell myself it shouldn't happen, I know a newer blogger to the scene would jump at the chance of a freebie or two, so the PR person would still get their campaign sorted, just without me.
I found myself thinking about whether you guys would like to read a post on teabags (albeit special matcha green tea ones, oooh) before considering whether I'd actually enjoy writing it. And I think for me that's where things have gone a little wrong. I considered the fact that it'd bring in low page views before the fact that I'd be doing a good two hours of free work for a PR company. 
My obsession with numbers at the moment has been extreme. Slow growth is a failure, or at least that's what I've been telling myself. And it's even worse when, with a cheeky little purchase, someone gains three times as many followers in ten minutes as I've gained in the last year. But I don't want to have to look back and think that I've bought my way up, and I like genuinely engaging with you guys. I don't want to tweet to a load of bots and have no one actually care about what I'm saying. 
I'm not going to say that when I started blogging things in general were a lot simpler. They weren't, but I was oblivious to a lot of the complexities. Now even when I'm not writing, I'm scheduling content months in advance, thinking of witty tweets to pop onto Buffer to go out during the day, and wondering why I'm wasting my energy doing anything that isn't blogging-related. It shouldn't be like that. I feel a little bit like I'm back at uni again: everyone seems to be doing more and getting further ahead, whilst I'm left trailing behind. 
At the beginning of March I was faced with a dilemma: what do I do with my blog whilst on holiday for most of April? Do I write a post every single day in March so that I have content prepared, ready to publish? Or do I wing it and try to write on holiday? It took me a good fortnight to even consider not publishing new content whilst I'm away, but that's what I've decided to do now. My blogging schedule for Florida is officially cleared. I'll be on Instagram and twitter whenever I feel like it (obvs) and I'm sure I'll think of a buttload of new content whilst I'm out there, but the important thing is that there will be no pressure. I can spend my time chilling by the pool, not hunched over my laptop, forcing content that won't come because I'd rather be somewhere else. I know by the end of the break I'll be itching to get writing again, but that's what it should all be about, right? 
So, goodbye for now - I'll see you soon with posts that feel a bit more me!
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