Growing out of clothes is probably the toughest part of gaining weight over the last couple of years for me. As much as I try to stay in denial about the whole thing, when my favourite jeans stopped doing up, or my tops started riding up to expose my belly, it forced me to realise that it was happening. And I didn't want to realise it.
In all honesty, when I initially decided I'd write this a few months back, I hoped that I'd be writing all about how good things have been for my weight gain, and how I felt a lot better about myself. But things have taken a different turn to my idealised version of events, and today I'm talking about the reality of things.
This is now the sixth installment in my dealing with weight gain series, although I haven't blogged about it in quite a few months. This was a post that I never envisioned writing, but after receiving some nasty comments from someone close over summer I couldn't ignore it. In the last five parts I've discussed: a general look at weight gain, blogger confidence, being on a budget, stretch marks and avoiding extremes. I actually started this little project over a year ago, and realistically, I hoped that I wouldn't be sat here writing about it now. I had hoped that I would have gone down to a healthier weight for my size, especially with a big holiday looming, but it just hasn't happened. And that's okay.
If you've been cruising around on Nourish ME for a while, or you know, have just actually read the title, then you'll know that this is the latest installment in a series that I've had on my blog since January. To give you a very short introduction (as hopefully some of you have been over this with me before, but if you're a new reader then hello!), over the past year and a couple of months I have put on a fair bit of weight, to a point where it has become a little unhealthy for me, considering my height. My Dealing with Weight Gain series has been a way for me to recentre, and tackle topics that have become issues for me as I got bigger in size.
So, first up I had a general post for you, all about how I gained the weight initially, and my goals for the future. Part two was all about how I've been trying to maintain confidence as a blogger despite my weight gain. This covered things like taking selfies when I can see that my face is bigger than it used to be. Next up was all about the idea of clean eating and that to lose weight you need to spend lots of money: I basically think this is a load of bull, but submitted to the hype for a while and chatted about my experiences. Finally, I dedicated an entire post to the taboo subject of stretch marks, and even make a video for you guys on that one.
This fifth part probably has the vaguest title of the lot, so I am going to actually explain it a little, and separate it into two parts. You see, I have days when I'm absolutely fine about my weight; on these days I consider myself a boss bitch who's rocking her life. On other days however, it really gets me down, and I either wallow or start creating silly action plans. On the latter days, neither option is a good one, and this post is largely a little reminder to myself that no matter how shitty I'm feeling, keeping a little balance in my life is always going to be a good thing to stop me going off of the rails.
To eat nothing or to eat everything?
When I get to the point where I've just been totally fat shaming myself, the only thoughts about my diet come in two categories. One is going for some extreme diet, like doing Raw Till 4, which I did for a few weeks in the past and blogged about here. This diet basically only lets you eat raw vegan foods up until 4pm, and then you can eat cooked vegan meals afterwards. It also encourages you to have 'mono meals', which are basically meals that consist of only one food. So I'd be eating a punnet of strawberries for breakfast, 8 oranges for lunch and half a kilo of potatoes for dinner. Although a lot of people subscribe to this kind of diet, it is unarguably extreme. I was miserable, spent all my day thinking about food and got headaches from the amount of sugar I was consuming from the fruit. I also really, really missed 'normal' food.
This is just one example of the kind of extreme diet that I've considered when feeling bloated, or can't fit into a dress I want to wear for an evening out. I am not advising it in any way, and in fact am advising against it. If you're unhappy with your weight, then sure, changing your diet maybe useful, but doing so in a measured manner, making sure you're happy and healthy is the way forward. Also, none of these extreme diets have ever actually helped me.
The other extreme that I consider (and probably do so more frequently) is 'fuck it, I'm fat already, why even bother eating nutritious food? I may as well just gorge on pizza for every meal'. Not a good plan when you have an (albeit fairly mild) lactose intolerance. Whoops. This is when my self-esteem really gets a battering. And do you know what? Yes, sometimes eating a fuck tonne of pizza is what I need on a Friday night to treat myself, but eating like this day in and day out just encourages the nasty voices in my head letting me know I'm a bit of a fatty. Ultimately, I'll lose energy, which makes me feel lethargic and lazy and I'll always just feel worse.
Before I carry on, I'm in no way judging anyone's diet here: I'm talking all about my own experiences with weight gain, and the fact that obsessing over eating less, or giving up eating very unhealthily, always makes things worse for me.
To buy a new wardrobe or keep the old one?
This is kind of related to my dealing with weight gain on a budget post, but here we're talking about the extreme wardrobe disasters I may or may not have brought upon myself. Clearing out all of your clothes that are too small, or a little old, or too baggy seems like an absolutely amazing idea when you're feeling like a boss babe who's in control of her life ... until you realise you have three tops in your entire wardrobe and all of those are dirty. Oh and you're meant to be saving money at the moment so have none to buy new clothes with, whoops.
I got so upset with my weight gain one day that I steamrollered my way through my chest of drawers, tossing every thing into a bag for the charity shop thinking 'even if it fits I'll just look shit in it anyway'. Despite feeling a massive sense of relief at the fact that all the clothes I'd been staring at for weeks, unable to fit into, were gone, the dread soon began to sink in. Reality hit and I realised that I now have to spend a tonne of money buying new clothes, which would involve clothes shopping which would make me equally as sad as before if I was having a rubbish day.
For a good six months before that, I feel into the opposite extreme of hoarding all of my clothes, not wanting to get rid of them because 'I'm obviously going to lose it again in the next few weeks, right?!' Wrong. I ended up with tops I hadn't worn in over a year that might never fit again, and trousers that still had the labels on because I couldn't get the button done up. Keeping these was a way to cling onto the (untruthful) idea that I hadn't gained any weight, and avoid facing reality. However, squeezing into tops so tight you could see every contour of my rolls, and trousers that I wore loose tops over so that I could cover up the fact that the top button wasn't done up was never a winning idea.
I feel like I've finally reached a fair middle ground. Yes I still have some clothes that don't fit that I've clung onto, but that's okay: I don't have to force myself to get rid of them like I once thought. I have however gradually gotten rid of some things that I know I haven't worn in over year, and giving clothes to charity always helps to make me feel good.
I'm sure there were a million other things that I meant to say in this post and have forgotten, but I think it's probably long enough for you all now. My main message here is that making sure I take a middle road in how I treat myself, what I eat, what I do, and what clothes I wear improves my mental well being by a massive amount when it comes to dealing with my weight gain. I really hope this post can help some of you too, and let me know if you feel the same way!
So, we're up to the fourth installment in my 'Dealing with Weight Gain' series, which seems a little mad. First I wrote generally about dealing with weight gain, then about blogger confidence, and thirdly about being on a budget. Now we're coming to a more physical aspect of it: stretch marks.
Stretch marks are one of the weirdest things that we all consider 'unattractive' in my opinion. They occur because our skin stretches too fast for it to handle and we get tiny little tears, which form scar-like tissue. The oddest thing about this whole shame vitriol surrounding stretch marks is that even mothers are shamed for getting them because they grew another human inside of them. Like are people for real?
I am 100% of the opinion that we need to talk more about stretch marks, and encourage positivity around them. Yes, I have some new ones because I put weight on a bit too quickly, but so what? They're a part of me and ignoring it won't change that. So today I'm going to wind us all back down memory lane to discuss 13/14 year old pubescent Steph.
Puberty was a real bitch, am I right? When you get to that age where your hips and thighs start to widen, the dreaded 'gift from nature' (who actually calls it that?!) arrives and you start to turn into a little bit of a grumpy demon. Puberty for me meant round 1 of stretch marks on my thighs. For years I stressed about them, and obsessively rubbed bio oil religiously into them, hoping every morning that they would disappear. But alas, there is no miracle product that will instantly get rid of your stretch marks. Just like scars, they're here to stay.
I promised myself that I would never, ever let myself gain so much weight in such a little time so as to get stretch marks again. But here we are. Round 2 has hit me at the ripe old age of 22, and I'm not going to lie, when I first noticed them I was absolutely horrified. You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when your anxiety is so bad that your heart rate racks up some speed and you break out into a sweat? That was me looking in the mirror for about two weeks, filled with anger and self hate.
So many nasty, nasty thoughts were running through my head about never being able to wear a swim suit again, and my boyfriend being disgusted by the sight of me. None of that has obviously happened, but it did result in a few bouts of tears before I realised that. However, a few months down the line, I've come to accept them, and I don't feel anywhere near as despair-filled as I once was. I have been using LUSH's Cup O Coffee to help reduce their appearance, which I've talked all about here. This has been helping to stimulate the skin around my stretch marks, reduce them a little and is also a nice little way to pamper myself!
I guess what I'm trying to say in this long ol' rambly post is that stretch marks are not the end of the world, or the end of your attractive life. If you go to the beach or the pool no one is going to point you out or stare or laugh at you for having them. No one is going to refuse to be near you when you're naked because of them (if this does happen, accept that they're a bellend and kick them out of your life) and you are in no way less pretty or sexy or deserving of love and attention.
Here is my video in which I go into things in a little bit more detail:
Have you ever been brought down by your stretch marks? If you are upset by them, you can always send me a DM on Twitter or quick email to chat!
Two beauty posts in two days? What the hell is going on over here, I know right?! Things are getting WILD. In all serious though, I am trying to get a lil' more beauty in here and there in this latter half of 2016 so watch out.
LUSH Cup O' Coffee has really become one of those cult beauty blogger favourites. It's not quite up there with Urban Decay's Naked 3, or Garnier's Micellar Water, but it's definitely there. It's LUSH's best selling face mask I believe, and rightly so. If you've read my LUSH face masks comparison post, then you'll know that there is a soft spot in my heart for the brand, and that Cup O' Coffee was one of the few I actually hadn't tried.
Cup O' Coffee is, surprisingly, filled with ground coffee beans, making it an excellent exfoliator. But, where I really think it comes in strong is with the combination of this with agave syrup. This makes it nourishing, hydrating, and honestly I'm more than a little in love.
It may surprise you that I didn't actually buy this for my face. Cup O' Coffee is labelled a 'face and body mask' and it was recommended to me to help with my newfound stretch marks. My recent weight gain has meant that my upper thighs have suddenly seen a mass growth in stretch marks. Brill, I know right?! So, I've been using Cup O Coffee twice weekly as a little mini leg mask and I have to say it really is making a difference! It's noticeable to others that my stretch marks are going down, albeit slowly, and I couldn't be happier that a natural, vegan product is helping me do this!
I've gone through why I love this goodie from LUSH in a little more detail in this video: Please give it a watch!
This is the third part in my little mini series called 'Dealing With Weight Gain'. The first part was all about how to deal with it in general, the second was all about blogger confidence and this part is going to be all about not breaking the bank in order to handle your weight gain. I posted the former two way way earlier on in the year (in fact I think one might have just caught the tail end of 2015!) so this post is something that I've been thinking about for just about forever.
I've been into the whole idea of 'clean eating' for quite some time now, and in fact my blog was originally based all around it, BUT after some time away from this life style, I came back to find that all of a sudden it was a lot more class based than ever before. I used to feel content eating my brown pasta with turkey mince spag bol - a meal that was both simple and, most importantly for me as a student, cost effective. However, in the last six months or so, all of my research into going back to 'clean eating' showed me that the game had changed. Brown pasta wasn't a think to be used anymore, and turkey mince? Well, you may as well just use plain old beef mince. Instead, simple changes seem to have been replaced with smashed avo on toast (grim) and a need to buy endless amounts of cauliflower so that you can use it as a base for pretty much anything. It really seems to have become a game exclusively for the middle and upper classes.
I know, I know, it seems like I'm being really cynical here, but for a while I totally bought into it, in all senses of the word. Soon I was a proud owner of gluten free organic soy sauce, and a tub of organic brown miso paste. Because, you know, I NEEDED these to make the recipes I was coming across. At the time I was doing online shopping because of the shifts I was working, and I started to find that neither Morrisons nor Asda could satisfy my needs anymore - it had to be Ocado, because no where else was 'good' enough to offer a massive range of organic food, or all of the niche ingredients I was coming across. The problem was that I'm neither middle or upper class, so I was totally grinding my finances into the ground with this belief.
Soon I found myself almost doubling my food bill because I had become so wrapped up in the idea that I 'needed' to lose weight and this was the only way to do so. If you've read my overcoming food fears post, then you'll know how much I hate trying new foods, so doing this all of the time was making me miserable. And guess what I turn to when I'm feeling rubbish? Junk food of course! So I ended up half eating super healthy food, and half scoffing away on takeaway and chocolate. This in turn then bumped up my expenditure even more.
As well as this, I came to the 'realisation' that I needed a gym membership - because obviously if I signed up to a gym contract which took another hefty fee out of my account each month I would have to exercise, right?! If any of you have done something similar then you'll probably know how it went down: I rarely motivated myself to go to the gym, but because I had the membership I didn't want to exercise at home, so I ended up doing precisely nada.
After a few months of this I came to the realisation that I'd pretty much been duped by the media into spending a ridiculous amount on trying to lose some weight, but in reality, all my waistband was doing was expanding. Clearly something had to change if I really did want to go back to a healthy weight for my size. So, I took my mind back to when I first decided I wanted to eat healthy, and considered what I did that was different, and realised that everything was so much less toxic back then. I could make myself simple, cheap, nutritious meals without feeling like I was missing out because it didn't contain a so called 'superfood' ingredient. Now I've had the time to look at what I was doing however, I feel like I've come to an understanding with myself that I don't need to feel pressured into buying silly foods I'll never eat just because all the health bloggers on Instagram love them. And neither do I need to buy an expensive gym pass. So, here are my top 5 things I'd keep in mind in dealing with weight gain on a budget:
1.) Stay realistic with meals. I'm a big fan of meal planning, but if I plan a day in which I'm hoping to eat smoked salmon on rye toast with a quinoa and pomegranate salad in the evening, I'm probably going to be grumpy at the end of the day and end up ordering out. Think about what your body wants and needs and find a simple way to keep things a little healthy.
2.) Shop around. Did you know that Aldi actually have a massive selection of fresh fruit and veg that's incredibly affordable (and even has a fairly decent selection of affordable organic ingredients!). We did our main shop here for a few weeks and legitimately halved our food bills.
3.) Keep things simple. If you don't want to spend three hours cooking a meal that you might not even like, then don't. Find something easy and filling that will keep you going without slaving over the oven. Don't feel as though you have to over-complicate things just because you see other people doing it on Instagram - you can't see what they're eating off-screen, and besides, who gives a fuck what strangers do?!
4.) Remember that exercise doesn't have to be expensive. Heard of Pokemon Go at all? Seriously though, me and my boyfriend downloaded it as soon as it came out in the UK and we've done more walking in the last few weeks than we probably have done altogether in the last year. I'm not even exaggerating here. If you're not a fan, then remember that there are tonnes of way to get your dose of exercise in, and you can even create a mini gym at home with a set of dumbbells and some Youtube videos!
5.) You don't have to keep up with all the fashion trends. Starting to have fewer and fewer items of clothing that fit you really sucks, and there's no way about that. But, if you've been gaining bits of weight here and there, then buying a whole new wardrobe every month or two is really not going to be realistic. Instead, keep your comfy baggy tees for time inside the house, and treat you to a new piece of clothing or two every month, rather than ALL the clothes. Plus, you can find some rare treats in charity shops for a fraction of what you would expect to pay for new clothes!
I really hope you enjoyed this post - let me know if it's been helpful!
About a month ago I wrote this post about how I'd been dealing with my weight gain, and you guys seemed to really enjoy it, so I thought I'd talk all about how it's impacted my blogger confidence and tips on how to not let it stop you blogging if you're going through the same thing.
So, I realised that things were getting a bit bad in the weight gain department when my nine-year-old cousin informed me (kindly) that I looked like Jeff. Some context: Jeff is my chunky dwarf hamster pictured above who fills his cheeks with mountains of food and is almost an exact sphere. Brilliant, right?
Here are some tips on how I personally have been dealing with weight gain and maintaining my confidence in blogging:
Weight gain doesn't change your skills and abilities
I have to admit, I've been a bit guilty of thinking along the lines of 'good lord, why would any one even want to hear beauty/fashion/lifestyle advice from this fat girl who clearly isn't control of things?!', but this mentality gets you nowhere. In the end, my writing skills, photography skills and blog inspiration are still there, so my weight can go suck a dick, it impacts nothing and remembering that is one of the most important things you can do.
Your selfie game is still strong
Have you seen the whole 'violently contouring my Christmas double chin' meme? That's been me recently, but on a more serious note, having a little bit of the ol' hamster cheek syndrome isn't going to mean you suddenly forget how to do your makeup. Don't be ashamed of posting your current favourite selfie to Instagram - your followers will still love it because of your makeup skills.
Do more of what makes you feel good
Don't let weight gain get you down. Why not take a day trip to the city and take gorgeous photos to write a post on? Or buy a little present from you to you and get a piece of high end makeup to write about and make you feel super sassy when you leave the house (or just let your followers know how happy you are with it with a selfie). Even if you're not happy with your weight gain this doesn't mean all other aspects of your life have to be miserable.
Don't stop yourself from taking outfit photos
Let's face it, I'm not and probably never will be a fashion blogger, but I have been thinking about taking to outfit posts recently despite my weight gain. Your followers are not going to lose interest in your blog or your fashion advice just because you've gone up one or two dress sizes. In the end, if your style is on point it's going to be so no matter what size you are.
Be honest with yourself and your followers
If you're feeling shit don't think you have to force yourself to pretend that everything's sunny. Yes, excessive negativity is tiring, but maybe make a post about 'struggles with weight gain', start a discussion about it and get it off your chest. Keeping secrets and feeling as though you always have to be false with your following will only make you feel distanced and unhappy.
I hope you found these useful! What would you add?
The past year has been a little turmoil-filled for me to say the least. From graduating uni and becoming a graduate in a menial bar job (oh the joys of Wetherspoons), to the separation of my parents, as well as everything in between, my emotions have been put to the test. So, putting on quite a number of pounds this season has been a bit of the straw that has broken this camel's back, so to speak. I'm going to speak a little bit more about how I'm dealing with weight gain in a later blog post, but I wanted to share a recipe that has been making this girly's winter a little more bearable.
So, here's my blues busting minty orange juice recipe:
4 (organic) oranges
1 sprig of mint
Juice the two ingredients and add some crushed ice if you want a really refreshing beverage.
What's your favourite drink to drive away the blues (and yes, wine does count!)
